Because Itachi Grew a Beard
by Wierdowithagun
Summary: Our favorite gang of criminals contemplates the series of unusual circumstances they're subjected to. Itachi decides to defy those circumstances. Chaos ensues. -CRACK fiction, meant for humor. Bad words and ridiculous scenarios... so yeah...


**BECAUSE ITACHI GREW A BEARD**

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"All I'm saying is, I don't get this shit. I mean, look at my face." Hidan rubbed a hand over his chin vigorously as he sat at the convientently placed table inside the Akatsuki base where all the members were currently gathered around eating their dinner like the ideal family on some sitcom.

"I'd prefer not to, if given the choice..." Kakuzu said beside him, busying himself will poking at the gruel on his plate that was quite actually and literally squirming. Because S rank criminals never had the chance to take cooking classes, being criminals and all.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Seriously. Have you ever seen me shave? 'Cos I don't remember shaving... ever. And I'm damn sure positive I hit puberty a long time ago. Kakuzu? Huh? You're like fucking Ninety, How is it your skins so baby soft. They never showed a single fucking cutaway scene where we were shaving or just finishing shaving or anything like that. So why the hell no hair?!"

"Why are you so concerned with having facial hair Un? You'd look like a grandpa, considering if that _is_ your natural color..."

"You know..." Kisame piped, pushing away his twitching plate of food. "I've kind of been curious about this too. Has anyone notice how unnatural things are around here? Think about it, the ratio of skinny, sexy women to fat ones is overwhelming. Grandparents are like an endangered species, but the ones that aren't are powerful enough to be these crazy powerful leaders as if they aren't 80 years old... " He looked around inquisitivley at each of the Akatsuki members. "And I have this strange feeling that everyone in here should be dead. Like all of this is so unnatural..."

Hidan slammed a fist on the table. "Shut the hell up Shark-dick We're talking about _my_ thing right now! Why the fucking hell doesn't anyone have a beard? Or shit even a mustache!?"

"Our existence is noted mainly by prepubescent teenagers Hdian." Pein finally spoke up, the vein in his head throbbing as he spoke. "The generation we cater to is one of youth that prefers a man to be hairless. It's nothing more than sex appeal."

The group stared at him for a moment in simultaneous confusion. He glanced around at all of them before sighing and standing from his seat. "Nevermind. Stupid Fangirls, bringing me back from everlasting peace just to write a stupid nonsensical crack fanfiction..." He muttered as he shuffled out of the room.

"I don't much feel like taking part in this one either. I'm much too boring and stuffy for such things." Konan said, also standing from the table but then making a face as if to say 'Why did I just say that?' before following after her leader that we all know she's secretly banging because like seriously, why else would he keep her around?

There was an entire ten minutes of silence before Hidan broke it again, slamming his fist onto the table and successfully overturning his disgusting plate of concentrated death. "Is it some kind of fucking Chakra thing or something? No-beard-for-you-no-jutsu?"

"I see each of us dying in our sleep. I think maybe I have psychic powers..." Kisame said, wide-eyed.

"What the hell is your obsession with this anyway un!?" Deidara growled. "Maybe you should just be grateful you don't have to shave every day! Some people would kill for that ability you know?"

"Sounds like you know from experience, Deidara." Kakuzu said, actually sounding amused in the midst of counting the random stack of cash he pulled from God even knows where.

"N-no! I was... Uh... referring to Sasori-danna!"

"Please, you twit. I'm made of wood. The only fuzzy thing I can grow is moss." Sasori said, finally joining the conversation for no reason other than to tease his annoying brat of a partner. "That rebuttle was thoughtless even by _your_ standards."

"Oh Great! So the fucking living doll and the transvestite can grow a fucking beard but not me!? What's this world coming to!?" Hidan shouted in characteristic fashion.

"Except Zetsu and Tobi... I've never seen them..." Kisame muttered to himself in the background.

"I make it a habit to keep my body polished and moss-mold-and-mildew free, thank you." Sasori drawled in a slightly rude tone that was really the only indication of his irritation seeing as he was a puppet and can't really do shit.

"Wh-Well I... I'm not so concerned with the body hair thing as I am with this wierd 'Home base' situation, un!" Dedaira covered fantically. "I mean, was there ever any sort of broad suggestion that the Akatsuki had some sort of base, un?"

"Pein-Sama was stationed in Amegakure quite often..." Kakuzu added, only half-paying attention.

"Yeah but I mean our hideout is always stationed in the woods somewhere. I mean I bet if we walk outside right now there will be tree's as far as the eye can see, un."

"WILL YOU STOP CHANGING THE FUCKING SUBJECT YOU GODDAMN TERRORIST!" Hidan said, rising suddenly to his feet, gripping the table firmly and flipping it in an unneccessary act of aggression. "I want a goddamn beard!"

"You bloody child! If you don't quit throwing this useless fit I'm going to kill you!" Kakuzu growled, because the table knocked his cash wad from his hand and set it fluttering down to the floor where he was currently hunched over in a frantic attempt to gather all the bills before one of the other members decided they wanted a raise.

"Then help me grow a beard and I'll stop bitching!"

"You think I haven't tried a hundred times to do it in my lifetime!? Why don't you go ask that Bounty you killed and then let get away!" Kakuzu snarled.

"Wait that happened already!? You two should both be dead! So should you!" Kisame cried, rising from his chair and pointing to the two zombies and the living doll. Then he put his hands on his head and clenched his eyes shut. "Oh god I can remember every detail!"

"Will you shut up with your fucking PTSD we have more important shit to deal with you goddamn fish-brain!"

"Really Kisame, no one likes a drama-queen, un."

"I find your company incredibley irritating Hoshigaki. And considering Hidan is still in the room, that's quite a feat."

"Damn. Has anyone seen my varnish? It was just in my pocket a second ago."

"Screw you guys! I'm trying to warn you about your deaths so you can change the script and continue living and you're more concerned with growing a damn beard! I'm so done with this fanfiction!" He said, throwing his hands up in surrender. "Here's another thing I don't get. Why am I always depicted as this super-nice guy? What is it about this face that makes people think 'Gee, he must be a real sweetie'.?" His ranting faded further and further as he left the room. The group watched in mild fascination, not noticing the small shadow that rose from the table and began making it's way to the door until just before it was safely out of range of this rediculous story.

"Oi! Itachi! We haven't heard your imput on this situation!" Hidan called out, quickly rising from his chair and rushing to grap the Uchiha by the shoulder and spin him around, guiding him back to his seat.

"You and me are only like a year apart huh? We're in the prime of our lives, don't you think we should at least have the fucking satisfaction of being able to choose whether or not we want facial hair? Isn't this a fucking theft of our God-given rights?" He gave his shoulder a small squeeze of support as he spoke.

Itachi sighed.

**"I mean I get that you're like some namby-pamby little gay emo boy. That's cool with me, honestly it is. And I understand that Blondie here would look so rediculous with a platinum blonde beard that the existance of it would probably make everyone who was forced to fucking look at him drop dead of uncontrollable laughter."**

**Itachi ground his teeth.**

**"Pinochio over there probably doesn't want to run around with fucking algea stuck to him, that's fucking disgusting in and of itself. And Of course Kakuzu wouldn't want one because that would accentuate his incredibly old age and make him an even uglier lout than he already is. But as for me, I don't have any excuses. Seeing as I'm obviously the hottest piece of ass out of all you dumbasses, I think a beard would only add to my sex appeal as well as my threat level."**

**"Hidan if you want to add to your threat level perhaps you should stop with the shouting and swearing and fight like a being actually capable of rational thought, instead of running around like a damned drunken monkey on the battlefield." Kakuzu grolwed, obviously growing bored of this game as well.**

**"Maybe you should fucking help me out when I need help instead of just standing there the whole fucking time like the miserly old bastard you are!"**

_**FWUMP!**_

**The entire table suddenly jerked their attention to the Uchiha, who was now sporting a full mustache/beard combo that dissapeared down into the recesses of his Akatsuki cloak.**

**There was complete and utter silence around the room for the exact estimation of 6 seconds before everyone suddenly shot from their seats, screaming like madmen. They dashed around in circles flailing their arms and making noises similar to that of a pterodactyle giving birth and also being stabbed brutally over and over again, none of them even completley sure as to why they were doing this while the writer sits back in her chair chuckling darkly.**

**"HOLY SHIT IT'S FUCKING ARMAGEDDON!" Hidan screeched, colliding with the overturned table and cartwheeling directly out the window where he plummeted down the 86 stories that were suddenly there even though they'd just previously been situated in a quant little cabin in the woods.**

**"SAVE THE ELDERLY THEY'RE A NATURAL SOURCE OF WISDOM ANDohmyfuckinggodMYMONEYTOOOO!" Kakuzu bellowed, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off as he desperatly tried to collect every last dollar bill that had been tossed haphazardly (Wtf that Adjective doesn't even make sense) into the air out of the sheer shock of seeing Itachi grow a beard.**

**Deidara was in the corner weeping like a manly man and tearing out his own beautiful golden locks of hair while wailing like a horny cat about the entire world and life as he knew it being nothing more than a conspiracey hatched into the mind of an insane, young woman who had nothing better to do than write Akatsuki-based fanfiction. It was at this point that Kisame came bursting through the wall gripping tightly onto a battering ram with his face painted up like rambo screaming ; "CODE BLACK! WE HAVE A FUCKING CODE BLACK EVERYONE EVACUATE AND FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI WHERE ARE THE SHEARS!? AndalsoIfuckingtoldyouitwasaconspiracy."**

**Deidara just wailed even harder and then stripped naked and sprinted to the fridge where he pulled out the conveniently placed tub of butter and began spreading it all over himself.**

**Everyone else in the immediate vicinity froze briefly in their actions to stare at him with a 'What the fucking hell?' expression before continueing with their pandamonioum.**

**Unable to locate the shears, Kisame grabbed Kakuzu and threw him through the wall for no apparent reason which of course pissed the old man off and promted him to attack Kisame with his creepy rape tentacles. The giant shark man was soon being dragged into the dark swirling abyss which was a furious Kakuzu gone super-saiyan, in a last ditch attempt to regain control of the situation he reached out toward Sasori who was standing shock-still with wide eyes as he relived some sort of Vietnam flashback and screamed out to him "Sasoriiii! Anal Cumquat! ANAL CUMQUAT!" And then he was gone.**

**The living doll, having heard the trigger phrase for his severe case of Butt-dwelling-fruit-phobia immediatly started screaming like a suicide bomber and pulled a meat-cleaver out of the little trunk-like compartment in his ass and proceeded to dart toward Itachi shreiking death-threats in ancient Antlantian.**

**Itachi didn't even make an expression because according to everyone and everything Naruto he's basically like the reincarnation of Jesus himself and he's a fucking boss like that, so he just kept sidestepping Sasori's frantic swings until Konan came running into the room and dove in front of the Uchiha after realizing that Sasori was trying to kill the fuck out of the bomb-tastic bearded man she'd never seen before in her life.**

**She was hacked and slashed into pieces (because I don't really understand what her purpose in the Akatsuki is and therefore never make time to do anthing with her in my crack fictions) but it's okay because she's apparently made of like super badass indestructible bamboo paper or some shit and managed to outlive all the far more badass Akatsuki members, so she just kind of fluttered down the the floor and chilled there for awhile.**

**Hidan meanwhile had finally climbed back up all 86 flights of stairs and burst into the room like a samurai ninja with a scythe instead of a Sword and lunged toward Sasori where they engaged in epic glorious battle for all of three seconds until they simultaneious beheaded each other, causing their lifeless bodies to fall to the floor and rest in a pool of their own blood while they shouted insults at each other.**

**Zetsu suddenly fell from the ceiling squawking like a goddamn penguin and flaping his hands which had transformed into leaves and started laying eggs and then throwing them at the buttered-up, naked Deidara until he was hit in the head with a hardboiled one and knocked unconcious.**

**This gave The Schizophrenic plant man a sense of superiority that led him to later go pursue his dream of conquering the entirety of the known universe, but that doesn't happen until the sequel which will never be written because I will NOT be held responsible for the enslavement of the human race...**

**Tobi who everyone thought was retarded, then Madara, but actually turned out to be Obito because no one ever fucking listens to me and I've said that shit from the very start happens to be in Mahalo with Kakashi doing their secret bromance thing (Because Everyone knows Rin is just a coverup and the whole INifinite Tsukiyomi thing is just over-compensations) on his vaction so luckily for him he was spared all this bullshit.**

**FINALLY!**

**Pein came sauntering non-chalantly back into the room and regarded the utter chaos that lay around him in the form of dismembered heads and naked, butter-soaked, unconsious bodies, and black holes and tentacle monsters and broken windows and all the other crazy shit that had just happened... Then he turned to Itachi, still standing there calmly like a boss sporting his thick and luxurious beard/mustache combo.**

**"Leader-sama." Itachi said.**

**"Itachi-san." Pein said.**

**Then the pierced ginger whirled back around and returned to his office to calmly file paperwork because after all this was a fanfiction and this mess would be cleaned up as soon as the next crazy fangirl started friting another story.**

**Itachi meanwhile reached up to pull the fake beard from his face, clearing his throat and then calmly existing the room to go prepare for the day when his brother would kill him because he's just so fucking boss like that.**

**A/N-**

**...Yeah.**

**So that happened.**

**Haha, sorry guys this was just a little exersize to hopefully chase away this damn writers block in my head. I get all these absoloutly ludacris idea's for Crack fiction but never actually pursue them. This time I decided to let my insanity off the leash for a little while.**

**I hope you enjoyed.**

**Reviews are loved.**

**((Was not reviewed previous to uploading because I'm fucking lazy and don't give much of a fuck at the moment. Forgive all spelling errors and typos and whatnot.))**


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